Bluestar

Made it a good hour before midnight! Thank you all -- you're the very best!!

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WooHoo!

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Gaining: last time I looked, 99,996!!

Happy Year of the Dragon!!

X-posted in my Achalasia Support Group

--- In achalasia@yahoogroups.com, K wrote:

I'm with you here - salad without lettuce and sandwich without bread! I get very odd looks also!

K [. . .]

K: Too funny! Years ago, I realized I was (and am) basically allergic to carbohydrates, and became an Atkins girl. I've been asking for bacon cheeseburgers without a bun in restaurants for more than thirty years, lol! Before that, I realized I'm not really a drinker (I did and do still occasionally, but somehow would rather spend my calories elsewhere unless I *want* to get drunk, and never needed to more than once or twice a year), so used to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen just to have something in my hand at a cocktail party (otherwise helperbees bug you to death with, "Can I get you something?" -- Prolly, a glass of ginger ale would have worked as well). Guess what I'm saying is that for most of my adult life I've been ready, willing and able to walk my own path foodwise and accept that it made me "odd." Perhaps the difference is that *that* was my choice; the food "rationing" with Achalasia is not, and I find myself getting pretty pissy at times about the additional changes I've had to make because of it.

Irony, is that these past six months in trying to adjust to it, the lo-carb way of life I adapted to so many years ago, and so well (I can make low carb waffles!) has fallen through that giant hole of starvation avoidance! Virtually everything I CAN eat now is close to total carb! And it shows (thank goodness, for the time being), in the four weeks since the Heller, I've gained five pounds! I need to stop now. Now! I didn't ask for the weight loss, but it has been very good for my walking, breathing, hip and knee joints, and I'd HATE to lose that. So last night, was trying to figure out how to get back to low carb. . . . I can pretty much keep my odd little salads, because there's not much carb in lettuce. But a good many things that were/are staples, I'm currently unable to eat -- bacon cheeseburgers (with or without buns), roast beef, steak, roast pork, pork chops, tuna fish, kippered herring, I can't have, while what I CAN eat: potatoes, sweet potatoes, crackers of any kind, toast, ice cream are death to a low carb life. (Well not exactly true, I've learned how to make low carb crackers, biscuits, and a kind of flat bread)(but no more store boughten ones, lol!) I feel like one of those lab rats that has to learn a new maze to run perfectly to get fed. ACK!!

Food habits tend to be pretty rigid for the human race: most of our foreign food restaurants in this country were started by immigrants who needed food to taste *right* to them, and were intended to provide a place to eat for other immigrants. We're a bit luckier: we've adopted a lot of "foreign" cuisine as our own (at least on occasion: Chinese, Sushi, Italian, Mexican, Greek, Middle Eastern, even African. I guess I'll have to thank my mother, may she rest peacefully, for pushing us to try new things. We certainly ate from a much broader spectrum of food and food styles than anyone I knew when I was growing up in the forties and fifties in the Inter-Mountain West. And no fussing tolerated: with nine kids, no special orders available. Artichokes and avocados, mung bean thread, Cuttlefish, tongue, calf brains. . . . regular little gourmands we were, grin. But all in all it prolly makes it easier for me to adapt my eating habits than most.

I recall reading a few years back that a mid-Western/Heartland nursing home, in an effort to provide healthier food for its residents hired a really good chef. . . . And the residents went on strike!! They WANTED meatloaf and mashed potatoes with greasy gravy and mac and cheese, and grilled cheese sammiches, the hell with pâté de foie gras, and beef stroganoff!

Live long and prosper kiddles!

Julie in the Wilds of Wonderful West Virginia!

montanajim

montanajim

Timber Cruising

Online, the assessor tax parcels divide crop and timberland
and both rest beneath snow that finally comes,
the hawk hunting pasture bemoans hidden vole
cannot rest watchful eye
for winter brings hunger to many and the tax man waits
so buyer and I cruise the timber looking for lumber trees.

Looking now satellite image so clear, there the veneer tree
red elm dead and leaning towards; "best take it now" the biased advice
while anyone can see twenty years of prime lie ahead
(or twenty years from now a nursing home bill due instead of taxes)
if dead tree felled with wedge and line instead.

That lucky 1% growing straight and strong thinking their doing giving un-interrupted sun.

The 99% scratching and clawing to get a share, sending a wayward,reaching branch.
A lumber tree.

The timber buyer's critical eye needing a kant straight enough to saw
two faces clear enough so those edge trees beckon us inbetween.
not knowing the sun enriched growth has sealed their fate
for neither veneer nor scrub they will suffice.

At end lumber trees there are aplenty.99% of trees can be sacrificed.
Can of spray paint. Can of pepper spray.
The trees know now which side I'm on, which master I serve
Money for the tax man, for the man
as the county distributes food at the pantry
and we all look for the sun to return, hawk eyed.

Phil Specht on Jan 15, 2012

Thank you, Martin.

So, today is Martin's birthday. And I'm glad this country acknowledges it.

But his birthday always brings to mind so clearly to me the first week that he wasn't. It was beautiful weather in D.C. that week. There was a Forsythia in bloom at my back door, and I spent the whole week digging it out, to replace it with a Mock Orange. I had a radio on the porch listening to the news of the riots as I sweated, disentangling the Forsythia's roots from around the construction junk the builders had buried next to the house.

My neighbor across the street with her doors locked was calling frequently, convinced that the rioters were headed our way. (Right, all the women in the neighborhood had to drive to the bus stop to pick up their maids ~~ was she expecting them to take taxis out from DeeCee just to get our little chicken sh!t ghetto?)

As I sweated, dug and pulled, and the sky was blue and beautiful, and 7th street burned and burned, I recall feeling so hopeful. At last they were angry, and standing up!

When I first came East, I worked in the personnel records dept of Hot Shoppes/Marriott. We had thousands of employees in D.C. mostly cooks, busboys, dishwashers. They bought furniture on credit from the stores on 7th Street. Whole house suites. The terms were very easy, the furniture crappy. But the monthly payments were possible even on a busboy's salary. The interest, outrageous, but at least you had a couch to sit on, a table to eat on, and a bed to sleep on -- for a year or two, until it fell apart. Then generally, they stopped paying. And went down the street to buy another set from another store. The owners didn't much care, D.C. had a really good garnishee law. The buyers were sometimes paying for two or three deceased suites as well as the currently useable one. Every time I'd filed another garnisheeing notice, I'd felt outraged. They were paying double or triple what the junk was worth in the first place. And yet I could see no way out for them, then. No one else would give them credit. They were doing what they could. But if I were angry, just standing helplessly by, how much more angry must they be?

And now, 7th Street was being burned! One could see the smoke from the burning city even from Maryland.

I pulled several bushels of construction junk from that hole, and dragged it to the curb. I planted the Mock Orange with much new dirt, and manure, and hope. And it flourished. And I always think of that week as the beginning, though I know it began earlier, with a man who would not have approved of the riots, but who had given the heart and the hope into the making of them and heart and hope did not end when he did. . . .

Thank you Martin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a repost of a blog I posted on the Howard Dean blog in 2005

katy99780

OH, JOY!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012 7:25 AM, EST


I just got a call this morning.
Ally's bone marrows are clear!

Written for my Achalsia Support Group. . . .

Yup. No dang guarantees. But then there never are any, really, for all we act like there are, grin. We marry in the face of terrible odds, believing that *our* love will make it. . . . And miracle of miracles, it often does. We have children, and hope and pray they'll be fine at birth, and mostly they are. We build houses and pour our hearts into making them homes, praying all the while that hurricanes, typhoons and earthquakes will pass us by, and they do for the most part. Living seems to be more of an art than a science. . . .

But for the fact-loving: N. dug these up a while ago, and says it so well, I'll let him speak for himself: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/achalasia/message/59703

Needless to say if the odds on a lottery were anywhere as near as good, I'd be taking out second mortgage on my farm to buy tickets!

And here's a scrap of poetry that always works as HeartsEase for me:

“Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged. Missing me one place, search another. I stop somewhere waiting for you.”
― Walt Whitman

xox
Julie, West Virginia!

leddyed

Tuesday, January 10, 2012 8:40 AM, EST

Ally's bone marrow samples went well yesterday. She has had them so often that the amount of scar tissue at the sites has been a problem the last few times. Yesterday there was no problem!


The meeting with the Endocrinologist was interesting. Our plan is to keep track of her blood sugar for a while and see what that data gets us.


As soon as I know about bone marrow results I will let you know.

Eating is so much more than nourishment in this culture (and every culture, as far as I'm able to determine). I think historically over thousands of years it's always been a huge uncertainty whether or not there will ever be a *next* meal, that we've developed our major celebratory behavior around food. To be ousted from that takes a bigger toll on the soul than one might have expected. . . . To rejoin the fellowship, a greater gift than one knew. . . .

Friday, January 6, 2012 6:55 PM, EST


Clear Scans!!!

Ally's CT and MIBG are clear! We are still scheduled to pull bone marrows on Monday. We should have those results sometime next week.

On top of clear scans we can also celebrate how awesome Ally behaved. Yesterday was her CT scan. If you have never had one, google it, so you can see the huge machine Ally goes into. It is loud as well. She was very calm, and held her breath when they told her too. The nurse said the images were great, and that Ally did a fantastic job. We were under the impression that today's scan would be about 45 minutes to an hour, as that is how long they tell us it takes when she is under sedation. In actuality it was two, 5 minute scans. Even with the shorter time, we are still very proud of Ally, for laying so still. She stayed very still and the images were clear. She still had to do the day of no eating, just in case she freaked out and needed anesthesia. She didn't need it, didn't complain about being hungry, and got a nice Olive Garden reward! She is our rock-star. What a great way to begin 2012! Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers these past two days, keep them coming for clear bone marrows!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012 10:31 AM, EST

Ally is HAMA positive. We will draw blood again in a month.

There has also been another change in her schedule. Ally can't have bone marrows pulled on Friday, because they need to be shipped overnight to MSKCC. So, Ally will do the MIBG scan awake (45-60 minutes) on Friday and we will head up to the hospital early and have bone marrows pulled at 9:30 or 10:30 on Monday, before her other appointment. Tomorrow her CT schedule will remain the same.

Monday, January 2, 2012 4:52 PM, EST

Ally's scans have been changed to Thursday and Friday of this week. With today being a holiday, nuclear medicine could not get Ally's injection for tomorrow, so a last minute change was made. Ally will have her CT scan on Thursday, followed by her MIBG injection. On Friday Ally will have her MIBG scan and Bone Marrows. The original plan was to try the MIBG awake, but through good scheduling Ally can be sedated (it is a 45-60 minute scan where she needs to be still).

We will find out results by Monday. Also on Monday we are headed back up to DHMC for an endocrinologist appointment.

Oh yeah, on Wednesday we will get HAMA results too!

Please keep Ally in your thoughts this week.

Going to be a sweet warm first day. And Firstday. Had this wonderful dinner planned for last night, but the timing was off: I was too full already, at the wrong place in the meds cycle (you're not wanting to take fast acting pain meds on a full tummy), so had cheese and crackers instead (understand, cheese and crackers is a REAL treat!). So instead, rescheduled, and am having it for breakfast:

Chilled pate of turkey with seasoned salt and pepper
Candied yams, hot
Cheesy garlicky hot buttered spicy smashed potatoes
Cold cramberry sauce

What a lovely way to usher in the Year of Good Eating. . . .

Life's looking up.

The Feast

of

Aunt Clara




♥

Monday, December 26, 2011 1:18 PM, EST

We had a great Christmas! Ally got everything she asked for and more. She is very easy to spoil! We had a fabulous brunch with both sides of the family. Ally's most favorite present was the bounce house Santa brought! It is small enough to fit in her playroom, and big enough to do jumps, flips and rolls. We are looking forwards to lots of playing with friends this week.

Ally has a blood draw (HAMA) this Thursday. We will have results on January 4th.

On January 3rd Ally has a CT scan. We think she also has an MIBG and bone marrow pull that week, but we have not received the schedule yet.

Happy New Year! We can only hope that 2012 is as happy and healthy as 2011 was!

Hopefully, soon to simply be a bad memory. . . .

Swallowing

The GOOD swallow -- you just swallow, it's easy and whatever you just swallowed goes down, and seems to stay down

Problematical swallow -- you *can* swallow, but it's unpleasant: a sense that a hand is grabbing at your throat, and squeezing. Generally, you get a fairly quick return.

The BAD swallow -- you don't. You try to force it, and it hurts, and stuff squirts with a fair amount of force back into your mouth and possibly into your nasal cavities, too. Nothing goes down.

The don't even try: sense of backed-upness from the xiphoid process to pharynx. Only an idiot would even attempt a swallow right now. (Problem here is, that if you are starving and dehydrated, you ARE going to try. . . .)

Panic time. . . .

Three days ago, esophagus pretty much shut down for 36 hours. Eating was pointless, though I kept trying. Virtually everything came up. Understand: coming back up does *not* equal vomiting. To vomit, it actually has to get into the stomach. This was not.

Net result, dehydration. Dehydration means messed up electrolytes. Messed up electrolytes means, among other things, dizziness and cramping. That pretty much describes midnight to morning.

First: calcium. Nothing. . .
Then: magnesium. Nothing. . .
Finally: potassium. It worked. . .

Thankfully, my early warning system is working. But I 'spect only since I'm already so out of whack. Have I mentioned that I'm *tired* of being out of whack?

Was contemplating my 60 pound weight loss between June and the end of September/Emergency Room. A calorie deficit of 210,000 calories. A 1,750 deficit every day for 120 days. (At 150 pounds, your body at rest needs 1800 calories per day.) I wonder if one single soul, medical or otherwise, has surmised what this might mean to an actual life. . . .

This is from my support group. Sobering to consider that one has an orphan disease. . . .

FDA Rare Disease Patient Advocacy Day

Please plan to join this webcast or visit in person. Ask your doctors to
attend on behalf of the multitudes who have Achalasia. If any of you can attend,
and speak this would be wonderful. See the links below to register and get
more information


FDA Rare Disease Patient Advocacy Day

http://tinyurl.com/4wygaab
http://tinyurl.com/6m22as2

The Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Office of Orphan Products
Development is announcing the following meeting: FDA Rare Disease
Patient Advocacy Day. This meeting is intended to enhance the awareness
of the rare disease community as to FDA's roles
and responsibilities in the development of products (drugs, biological
products, and devices) intended for the diagnosis, prevention, and/or
treatment of rare diseases or conditions. The goal of this meeting is to engage
and educate the rare disease community on the FDA regulatory processes.

This educational meeting will consist of a live and interactive simultaneous
Web cast of presentations provided by FDA experts from various Centers
and Offices, as well as from outside experts. The interactive meeting
will include two general panel discussion sessions, as well as afternoon
breakout sessions for more in depth information on the roles of FDA. In
addition, on site attendees will have an opportunity during lunch to
engage with FDA and outside experts in a small group setting.





For more information please visit: FDA Rare Disease Patient Advocacy Day

WINTER SOLSTICE, December 22, 12:30 A.M. EST

The light is BACK!!

Again.

Monday, December 19, 2011 11:20 AM, EST


I have had many requests to know what Ally asked Santa for. Here is her list:


Jewelry Box


Ballerina Slippers


Cinderella Dress


I have it on good authority that Santa will deliver these gifts (and maybe even a couple more!)


Merry Christmas!!!

An antireflux procedure was performed to prevent postoperative reflux. A posterior (Toupet) hemifundoplication was used in patients with a modestly dilated esophagus. And anterior (Dor) fundoplication was used with the most dilated esophagi, because a posterior fundoplication appeared to cause a relative outlet obstruction by excessively angling the gastroesophageal junction anteriorly.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:nLWnaPX_gogJ:www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1190864/pdf/annsurg00028-0035.pdf+&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESgscqYC5vVocKrloHq1FxfFGr1BkvqYtoNYfx77PBoQByi2s8f7hESZHAJfcAjcEhFkz6JMUyxIA3bBd8_B8JaS_Ml14ufBMCrGgaYnahKd0jWkP81kCDDI1zIYcXms0pHa_iIR&sig=AHIEtbTFcw90SDV4ndN0wvmpA49mbckskA

I'm betting on the Toupet. My esophagus was hardly dilated at all in barium swallow.

Sunday, December 18, 2011 8:33 AM, EST

For those of you who have met Ally, you will know the significance of this statement:

Ally sat on Santa's lap yesterday!!!

Ally is exceptionally shy. We have seen Santa around this holiday season, but Ally is content to look on from afar. Yesterday, at the New Hampshire Childhood Cancer Lifeline Party, Santa showed up. He had a wonderful Sleeping Beauty doll for her. When he was finished passing out the gifts he asked if anyone wanted to come up and sit on his lap. We ALWAYS ask Ally if she wants to do something, and usually she says no, but we always want to give her the opportunity. She immediately stood up and was ready to go. Ally patiently waited for the little girl in front of us in line, then walked right over to Santa and turned around so he could pick her up. I did have to hold her hand the whole time, but she spit out the 3 things in her list as quickly as I have ever heard her speak, and then hopped down. It was hilarious! We were so proud of her.

Merry Christmas!

Vaclav Havel 1936 - 2011

Poets are the hierophants of an unapprehended inspiration; the mirrors of the gigantic shadows which futurity casts upon the present; the words which express what they understand not; the trumpets which sing to battle, and feel not what they inspire; the influence which is moved not, but moves. Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Surgery on December 27 at UVA Hospital, Charlottesville, Virginia. What a *great* Christmas present, lol! And the surgery is? A Heller myotomy with either a Dor wrap, or a Toupet (he wants to decide *while* he's in there, depending on what he's seeing). (I like that! -- It means he knows what he's seeing. . . . ) Expected duration: two hours; expected hospital stay: day or two, depending on how quickly I can swallow again. Then two weeks recovery, at minimum, then we'll see.

Did I mention that I'm pretty happy about finally getting someone to actually MOVE. . . .

Saturday, December 10, 2011 1:32 PM, EST

So it seems Ally's HAMA was not as low as we first thought, or it has gone up. Anyway, she is HAMA positive and we are going to test again on December 29. We will know results on January 4. If she is negative we are tentatively set to be in NYC for the week of January 9th.

In the meantime we have been enjoying some fantastic Christmas activities. Last weekend we attended the Make-A-Wish Christmas Party (which Ally loved!). We have decorated the house, put up our Christmas tree, visited the "Gift of Lights" at the Loudon Racetrack and made come crafts. Next weekend we have another Christmas party being put on by New Hampshire Childhood Cancer Lifeline.

I will update again when we have more Christmas news to share.

What a wonderful play pen we have been given. . . .

Hq Villa Hostel

Trapping the Moon...

An altogether lovely breakfast salad:

(machine) minced broccoli, green olives
fresh homemade buttermilk cheese
dab of mayonnaise

with a side of fresh tomato slushee

Life is good. . . .

Wrote this for my Achalsia support group

Last June, when the active phase of this "condition" stepped up exponentially, and I hit the internets again (had been researching all along, and had settled on "esophageal dysmotility" as a working definition), and realized that the long term outlook wasn't all that fine, I remember one night thinking: Well, maybe a feeding tube ISN'T all that bad. . . .

Aside from the fact that I smoke -- or maybe because of it -- I've otherwise always been a "health nut." My mother was a researcher/actor too: she learned how to cure my dad's migraines with grapefruit juice (vitamin C), so I come by it honorably. At any rate, since I too have migraines, and smoking about halves your Vitamin C, I've for long been a big fan of extra C. Many of the alternative meds I came across for achalasia (B complex, L-arginine) were things I've taken on and off for years, for other reasons. Being a low energy type, I've taken B-150 for years; and L-Arg for BP. In that context they both *helped*. Found one of the other achalasia self-help sites last year, and restarted the B-100. It helped. Restarted the L-Arg after the doctors kept trying to prescribe CCBs. It helps.

As do Hawthorne, magnesium, Co-Q10, Vitamin C. As do nicotine, caffeine, butter, tomatoes, lemonade, chocolate. . . I quit smoking for five days in the hospital (involuntary), and voluntarily for four days two weeks later -- in the hospital while being IV fed, it wasn't that hard. At home, in four days, the esophagus/LES just shut down, period: I lost seven of my hard-won pounds in those four days, and could feel the dehydration raising its ugly head again. I restarted. The effect was *immediate*. . . .

Never been an enemy of chocolate, nor that much of a fan. Last year, I suddenly started *longing* for it. . . . I watched that longing somewhat bemused, but there it was, and I indulged it. More interesting, and flummoxing to me was in June and the sudden HUGE desire for Mountain Dew. I've *never* been a pop person. And suddenly I was going through two 12 packs in a couple of days. About that time, I suddenly NEEDED bananas, which I hadn't bought for decades. And lemonade, which I was even making at home. Mountain Dew? Co2/caffeine: relaxes LES. Chocolate? Relaxes LES. Lemonade? Acid, relaxes LES. Bananas? Potassium which was low, and getting lower as I lived more and more dehydrated.

Mind you, NONE of this was being done because I was attempting to mitigate or ameliorate the achalasia, which I had in fact *discarded* as a diagnosis. (Imagine my surprise seeing that bird's beak on the barium swallow!) This was simple body-wisdom.

But the truth of it is, that as hard as my body was/is working, it is NOT enough on its own. Even IF it were to get no worse, I am unwilling to continue to live like this. Food is nice, but I am totally unwilling for it to become my only occupation for the rest of my life. And, too, I'm cheap: I HATE paying for and tossing most of what I've paid for. Makes me furious, lol!

But the fact is -- those cells are going to continue to die. Not one thing I can put into my mouth, nor medicine, standard or alternative, is going to change that. Reiki, acupuncture, massage, *nothing* is going to get those dead nerves to wake up and smell the NO.

THEREFORE, I very glad for the medical profession, and the state of the art as it is today. Sobering to consider that in my one little lifetime, I've had two auto-immune diseases, *both* of which would have killed me 100 years ago. (The other was Graves Disease.)

Guess I'm just trying to say, especially to the noobs who are pretty much in denial, that alternative medicine can *help*. . . . what it can't do is CURE. Nor, for all that, can the wonderful surgeons of our lives. . . . They can do a better job, make this damned condition at least livable. But that's all.

Part two of this rant is shorter. While searching for something/someway/somehow to eat enough to keep from starving (post hospitalization), and remembering my sense that maybe a tube wouldn't be so bad, I stumbled across a number of websites for people who have NO choice: Head/neck/mouth/tongue/pharyngeal cancer survivors, ALS, a guy in Australia who has scleroderma. The guy in Australia cooks for his feeding tube (and uses a top of the line blender). He says he's been doing much better after he got off of the canned formulas for his tube. And he at least can enjoy the process and smell of the cooking food.

And I just need to say: WE really don't have it all that bad. Really.

Another one of Unca Logan

Quiet day, yesterday. Mostly doing some followup (well, a LOT) on the new ancestress my sister discovered. She's been sort of an icon in the family (the Indian Grandmother), never identified by name before. Evidently my mom told one of my brothers that we had an Indian Princess in our background. Well if being the daughter of a very important chief makes you a Princess, then yup.

Interestingly, he *wasn't* Native. He was born in Montreal, and captured by the Oneida as a child, and just stayed with them. He married a Cayuga woman, and became the Iroquois "governor" in PA. He named (last name) at least three of his children after the Quaker "governor" that he dealt with -- Logan. My GGGG Grandmother, Ann Shikellamy Logan married a Colonel John Gibson. Her brother, James Logan became a war chief in the Mingos and a great peace leader, until his family, including my grandmother was killed and scalped (by white men) at the Yellow Creek Massacre. Which was in WV.


The only survivor of that Massacre was my GGG Grandmother, Polly Gibson. Interestingly, her father, Col. John Gibson, had been captured by Indians as a teenager, and adopted, and so survived. . . .

Logan's Lament. . . .
"I appeal to any white man to say, if ever he entered Logan's cabin hungry, and he gave him not meat: if ever he came cold and naked, and he cloathed him not. During the course of the last long and bloody war Logan remained idle in his cabin, an advocate for peace. Such was my love for the whites, that my countrymen pointed as they passed, and said, `Logan is the friend of white man.' l had even thought to have lived with you, but for the injuries of one man. Colonel Cresap, the last spring, in cold blood, and unprovoked, murdered all the relations of Logan, not even sparing my women and children. There runs not a drop of my blood in the veins of any living creature. This called on me for revenge. I have sought it: I have killed many: I have fully glutted my vengeance: for my country I rejoice at the beams of peace. But do not harbour a thought that mine is the joy of fear. Logan never felt fear. He will not turn on his heel to save his life. Who is there to mourn for Logan?--Not one."



Got a picture of my GGGGG Grandfather, Shikellamy:

Looking mighty dark for a Frenchman, lol! And a pic of a bronze statue.

And Chief Logan. my GGGG Uncle:

Never been related before to peeps as had statues made of 'em. . . .

"AIDS Ribbon Chair," 2000
Michael Ransom
carved wood with paint, 4.5" x 4" x 4"

Jobs I'd rather not do. . . .

hattip to Tanya

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 8:37 PM, EST

So much to tell.....

1. Ally can read!!! She has been sounding out 3 letter words for the past couple of weeks! It is so much fun, and she is so proud of herself.
2. Ally has a loose tooth! We are very excited for the tooth fairy. We have found out that Ally's tooth fairy brings trinkets, not money....who knew? We are wondering what would happen if her tooth fell out on Christmas Eve? Would Santa and the Tooth Fairy work together? I guess we will just have to wait and see.
3. Ally is HAMA positive (grrrrr), BUT she is only slightly HAMA positive. We are going to draw again next Thursday and see if she is still positive. She is really close to being negative, so they hope she will drop quickly. We hope so too.
4. Ally is due for scans again in January. Our DHMC doctors are working on having Ally do the CT and the MIBG awake. Ally did the CT awake last time, no problem. The CT only takes 5 minutes or so. The MIBG is 45 minutes of Ally laying very, very still. One of us will be able to be in the room with her for both scans. Hopefully this will all go well.
5. Sadly we had to leave Ally's medical supply company this week. Since Ally has been diagnosed we have been using a company called New England Life Care for all of her at home medical supplies (for her port and her feeding tube, and lots of various things over the past few years). My school switched insurance companies, and NELC can no longer service us. It seems silly to be upset about a switch in company, but this company has been fantastic. Because of them we have been able to leave the hospital a day early on more than one occasion. They are local (right here in Concord) and they have been able to get us supplies the day they are ordered. When Ally had to have her low dose chemo after the tumor came back, this was the company that came to our house everyday for 2 weeks on, 1 week off, for 11 or 12 cycles. They have been great and we will miss the local company.

Happy Thanksgiving. This year we are thankful for Ally....she is pretty awesome.

The Tipping Point

. . . . . . .Triggered by a radio question (on Talk Of The Nation

or On Point?)

. . . . . . .which was "Who won't be at your Thanksgiving table this year?"

ghosts began appearing in my head

since no one is actually gone

til they disappear from all memory and these are shared;

perhaps more at that table than this, maybe not,

now as I travel a path ever closer to theirs.

The tipping point when you have known more than you now know.

With thanks for all with whom bread has been broken over prayer.

With thanks for all present the love to share.

Family and friends savored, just as the food.

and thanks to all who brought us to this point

ghosts of Thanksgiving past invited too.

By Phil Specht on Nov 24, 2011

Kennebunker

Results of the doctor's appt. Thursday. They're kicking me up a rung. Because they don't do any of the things that would possibly ameliorate it. They *could* have done that while I was still in the hospital. . . .

Won't prescribe any of the available meds that would help open the LES, because, "there haven't been enough studies." How many studies are they going to *find* on a 1/100,000 condition?

Next step: University of Virgina Teaching Hospital. Which is a HUGE step up. I'm very happy about this. Downside, it's going to take TWO WEEKS to *arrange an appointment.*

Crickets.

Absent from my own life for some time

I knew, somewhat. Things not quite

matching. Stitches dropped. Vague sense

that something needed doing, but what that

something was escaped like mist.

Never quite enough energy to get entirely

through a day, in tact.

Waves building for years, rising,

and finally like those deep blue in a Japanese print

breaking white against cliff and sky

A matter of simple mineral

When the deficit is too large

the electrons don't fire clear

across the gap, but fall

and you follow

This is what starvation is:

phenomenal, not imaginary

I'm not back yet

but am beginning

to delineate where I've been

skry scri scry?

jjl

21 October 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011 7:57 PM, EST



We are back into the swing of things.

Ally had her morning dance class on Monday, and she had enough energy to make it to school in the afternoon. Today she did take a short nap at Grammy's house (Ally has been nap free since the beginning of summer), and with the time change has been ready for bed extra early this week.

A cute story Ally has: Monty (our cat) is very brave, even braver than her (Ally), because when Monty gets her shots at the vet no one has to hold her paw, but when Ally needs her shots Mommy has to hold her hand, so Monty is the bravest. I told Ally I thought she was pretty brave too.

Thanks to all of our Veterans, who make this country great, and allow us to travel freely to get Ally the medical help she needs.

There would be a space then
where we meet,
that neither of us owns

I'll give you my part,
And look for you,
again,
just over the crest
or perhaps around the bend

Standing in the deep green
dappled and invisible
and always present



jjl
20 October 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011 10:13 AM, EDT

We are on the train ride home...and they now have wi fi!

Last night Ally had a great night. She "snapped out of it" around 6:00, just in time to have salad, french fries and cheese cake for dinner. We even got some time in the playroom at The Ronald. Last night the New York Rangers Game Room at The Ronald was unveiled. There were even some retired players (I have no idea who, as neither of us really follow hockey) for the event. It is a pretty cool room, set up with at least 2 X-Box Kinects and a bunch of other media for the kids to play with. Ally had no interest, but on our next trip it might be fun for Mommy and Daddy to play! By 8:00 she was ready for bed.

We are already slated to head back for the next round of 3f8 in January (as long as Ally is HAMA negative).

The medical world of Ally's cancer treatment has always been part of her world, since before she can remember. She just assumes it is normal; however she has started to ask questions. She asked me if I have ever had a Mic-Key button, and also, if I had to do 3f8 when I was little. When I tell her Daddy and I never had to do those things she gets quiet for a bit, then changes the subject. I wonder what she is thinking.

We are getting closer to home, and looking forward to the rest of the weekend to just relax and sleep in our own beds with our own pillows.

Thanks for sticking with us this week...

Fear. Friend. Come.

Let us see what must be done.
See if it can be born,
and if not,
what then

No use to weep and wail
that the way's too hard
It is, and nothing more

Find solace where it can be found to hand:
Sound of leaves cartwheeling in the wind
Rain on sky windows
A little warmth when needed
A little flavor on the tongue
Will have to do

Make space, mark time:
there are still those who need you




jjl
20 October 2011

Friday, November 4, 2011 12:14 PM, EDT

Today went much better. 20 minutes of pain, well controlled by the meds. We are just waiting to be unhooked, and then headed back to The Ronald. We have a 9:00 train home in the morning.

Thursday, November 3, 2011 3:24 PM, EDT

Here is a picture of Ally with Linny, the Wonder Pet. We were just hanging out before the 3f8 this morning.

Ally has been having a hard time snapping out of it this week. The medical professionals thought we might be over-medicating her, because it has been so long since her last treatment and the narcotics are too strong for her to fight off. So, last night, following doctor's orders, we took Ally's pain patch off, and did not replace for today. As Ally was experiencing a whole new level of pain today I was kicking myself in the ass. Luckily it only lasted for 20 minutes, but even the nurse was concerned with the level of pain Ally was experiencing. We have decided not to put another patch on her, as it carries it's own set of complications, instead we are going to up her "rescue" meds for tomorrow. Hopefully that will take care of everything. Lesson learned, too bad it was Ally who had to bear the brunt of it. (We are not upset with anyone. We talked a lot about using the patch or not using the patch, and thought that taking the patch off was the best course of action. Sadly it was not, but we have a new plan for tomorrow that we are happy with.)

Ally is resting comfortably on Daddy's bed right now. We have another dinner, here, at The Ronald tonight, and tomorrow is the LAST DAY!!!

Home


Staggering, tipsy, frail.
Watch the floor, which may
rise up to meet you.

Or you may trip
on a shadow.
Or dream.

Slow. Go slow. Think.
Plan.

Hold on to things,
don't attempt the big spans.
Be patient.

World glossy, metallic, transparent.

Need to find the magic
again. The hunger.

Negotiation as a way.
Of life?



jjl
19 October 2011

Wednesday, November 2, 2011 11:14 AM, EDT

Here is a picture of Ally’s pump...the little syringe, up in the corner is her 3f8.


Unjinx....(just because we are still at the hospital and I don't want to mess up a good thing)

Today was better. 20 minutes of pain, and no oxygen needed yet!

Ally never really snapped out of it last night, we are hoping she will tonight. We did manage to get her down to dinner, but she ate only a few bites of salad and brownie.

It is really nice to have both of us down here for this round. This is Ally's 5th round and our first time as a family in NYC since her surgery in January 2009. Everything is easier with both of us here.

We get a new roommate each day. The first day was an older (teenage) patient who was getting chemo I think. Yesterday we had a super cutie who was getting the new humanized 3f8. This little girl and her mom popped over to our side to give us some hand sewn bags to put Ally's ice packs in, so they are softer up against her. They are super cute. Today we have another cutie pie getting regular 3f8.

That's all for now....what a strange feeling, to be in a better mood because my kid only had 20 minutes of intense pain today....cancer treatment sucks.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011 12:11 PM, EDT

Last night Ally slept straight through. One of the side effects of the 3f8, is that it makes it hard for the kids to pee. Ally peed around 11:00 AM yesterday, and then again around 7:00 AM today. Hopefully that won't happen again. We did have to give her some meds at The Ronald last night, as she had a little hitch in her breathing. After that she slept wonderfully. Because Ally was so out of it last night we missed the Halloween Gala the Ronald McDonald house held. The poster said it was at a fancy ballroom somewhere on Park Avenue, and the the cast of Wicked was going to perform. We wish Ally had been feeling better, because that would have been AWESOME! Oh well. Before the 3f8 yesterday we did get to trick or treat around the hospital. Ally got a bag full of candy. The playroom had at least 100 costumes the kids could choose from, we actually brought Ally's costume from home (bee), but they let her pick out some accessories to make her "Her Royal Highness, The Bee" she had a fun time.

Anyway...today's treatment went much smoother. Ally did have pain for 45 minutes (which seems like FOREVER, when your child is writhing in pain), but no scary hallucinations, or jerking body. Her heart rate did drop to the 80s and 90s. Usually her heart races in the 170s/180s, and we need to wait for it to calm down before we are allowed to leave. Currently she is up in the 150s, which strangely enough makes me feel a lot better than the lower heart rate. We will probably hang out at the hospital until 1:30 or 2:00, and then head back to The Ronald. Hopefully Ally will snap out of it in time for the dinner that is being provided for us. She is VERY excited about the dinner!

That's all for now....oh yeah, the meds also make her lips swell, we have our own Angelina Jolie. Enjoy the remaining snow up there in the Northeast...

The Gift


Late morning,
promises kept,
the establishment
allows a bath
Brings towels
and soap

The needles
all pulled out

Door closed
And sitting
(wisely)
The hot water
runs and runs
as fingers seek and peel
the hot black snaps
no longer hooked to
the heart monitor
And snaps from earlier
investigations
Three sets in all

Bubbles
heat
steam
warmth
freedom
beauty
joy
All you ever wanted.

Dry my hair
which glows like a fizzy white halo,
don my jeans and pink sweater
(I might be human after all)
put on my lemongrass sandals
And when they allow me gone
they let me walk to the door
And wave goodbye

Leaving me only how to find
this new life
the one they gave me back
which doesn't much resemble
the one I had before


jjl
19 October 2011