February 14, 2007 at 09:55 PM MST

I'm holding a beautiful, sleeping Tannner in my arms. I trimmed his sideburns and the hair on his neck tonight. He looks like such a big boy. His eyelashes, slightly darker than before, are getting long, almost as long as they used to be. He's wearing a red fleece sweatshirt and his diaper, with a gap between the bottom of the shirt and the top of his diaper. The way he's laying doesn't allow me to see his transplant scar. All I can see is the small scar from the jp drain. It's amazing how something smaller than the eraser on a pencil can make an entire year pass through your mind.

Has it really been a year?

Valentine's day of last year was the beginning of a new life for us. I can see it so perfectly in my mind. Tanner's was standing right by the couch, wearing only a diaper, and turned to the side. I was at the stove, making dinner, and I turned to look into the living room. Tanner's belly was big. It was too big, it just didn't seem right. I stopped what I was doing and went in to give his belly a "squish." It was hard on one side. I had Jason come, and we laid Tanner down and both felt his belly. We knew something was wrong. Did I think that 30 hours later a doctor in the E.R. would be telling me that MY SON had cancer that had spread to his lungs? Never. It was too late to go to the doctor, so I called the next morning. That night Jason and I laid on our bed, his laptop open, our minds racing, searching the internet for answers. I don't remember all of the things we thought it could be. But I do remember what I thought could be the worst case scenario. Maybe Tanner had a bowel obstruction. Or even worse, that part of his intestine had died, and it would require surgery to take that part out. That would be the worst, I thought. If I was prepared for the worst, anything less would be great!

That night I had a dream that Tanner was dead and we were at his viewing. They say that our subconscious works through things we cannot control while we sleep. I was obviously very scared, not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

One year ago tomorrow our world turned upside down. We gave Tanner his birthday present 2 months early, because we didn't know if he'd be alive to even turn 2. Now, we're preparing to celebrate Tanner's 3rd birthday.

We are blessed and we are grateful.

Megan