Two Tanner Updates
2 years ago today we were told that Tanner had cancer! This day has been very strange for me. I've been remembering what was happening 2 years ago. I did it yesterday too. Yesterday afternoon, 2 years ago, I noticed Tanner's belly was fat and hard. We spent the night searching google and worrying ourselves.
This morning, 2 years ago, I called the pediatrician and made an appointment for that afternoon. We spent the morning at Target buying fishy-crackers. I think I went shopping on purpose. I needed to be normal, something in me knew that our lives would be thrown upside down. I needed to just be ok. That afternoon we (Me Tanner, and he older brothers, 4 and 6) went to the doctor. He felt Tanner's belly and immediately knew something was wrong. He sent us downstairs for an xray. When we looked at it together he said "there's something there. He needs to get a cat scan." There was a huge snowstorm and they suggested going to the hospital 10 minutes away. NO WAY!
The children's hospital is only 40 minutes away, so that's where we went. I called Jason and told him what we needed to do. He came straight from work and met us at my parents house. My mom was going to watch the kids while we ran to the hospital. I told her we'd probably be late. Little did I know we'd be DAYS late! 2 years ago, this hour, we were in the ER with a sick and sad little Tanner. He'd gotten his first blood draw and IV. Many people had poked at and pushed on him. We were trying to get him to drink contrast for his CT scan. He would have nothing to do with it. So, they put an NG tube in him. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.
We got most of it in, when he pulled it out. I literally sat with him crying and struggling for nearly an hour, holding his arms so he couldn't pull it out. But, he did anyway! We begged them to let it be enough. We couldn't do that to him again. They agreed. I don't remember what time it was when we went back to get the CT. They gave Tanner versed and told us he'd fall asleep. It had the opposite reaction, he was SO AWAKE!
But at least he was calm and let them do the scan. We were taken back to the room. It seemed like no more than 10 minutes, it was almost midnight, when the Dr., who had red hair like Tanner, came back into the room. Sullen, with tears in his eyes, he looked at us and in a quiet voice, said "I'm sorry...it's cancer...it's called hepatoblastoma...and it's spread to his lungs." SHOCK. SILENCE. WHAT????????????????
How can this be? How can our baby have cancer? NO!!!!!!!!! Suddenly the tears hit and were completely uncontrollable. Sobbing...What??? WHAT???
They were preparing a room for Tanner. WHAT????WHAT????
A social worker came in and gave us a blanket for Tanner. WHAT????WHAT????
A nurse came in and we walked with her out of the ER, onto the Elevator and up to the third floor. WHAT????WHAT???
We are supposed to be going home!!!! They settled Tanner into a room. I laid by him in the bed and sobbed like never before. My whole body hurt. I cried so hard and so long that I got an unimaginable headache. The nurse, kindly, showed me to the inpatient pharmacy where I bought some Tylenol. MY BABY!!!! The morning before I had bought him a big toy piggy bank for his birthday that was 2 1/2 months away. Should I give it to him now? Will he still be here? That was the longest night of my life.
The next morning an oncologist, her fellow, and the surgeon came to talk to us. Tanner's cancer was the worst. His cure rate was close to nothing. We learned many months later that they left the room and looked at each other, so sad for this little boy that wasn't going to make it. They said chemo would be bad, but it might not even work! I asked her if we just took him home, how would he die? She said that his liver would most likely keep working, but the tumors in lungs would continue to grow and he would slowly suffocate until most likely an infection or pneumonia took his life. WHAT??????WHAT?????
* * * * * * * * * *
February 19, 2008 at 01:29 AM MST
So, the last update really was about those first couple days and our complete shock. To be honest, I still have a hard time believing my baby had cancer! This update is about everything good that has come since then. From the very beginning our family and our church family rallied around us. Even greater than that, Our Heavenly Father was with us. We could literally FEEL everyone's prayers. Admidst the shock, sadness, unkown, there was an overwhelming sense of peace. I am forever grateful for the real presence of our Lord. He never leaves us alone! Even Tanner, especially Tanner, was wrapped in the comforting arms of his Heavenly Father. We have met so many wonderful people and have been witness to miracles. Here we are 2 years later. Tanner is 2 1/2 months away from celebrating his fourth birthday! We didn't know if he'd even live to turn 2. We are blessed and forever grateful for all that we have been blessed with.
Love and hugs, Megan
No comments:
Post a Comment